


it's not getting better, (but I'm still holding on)

by wrksout



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, i don't know what made me write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 05:17:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrksout/pseuds/wrksout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's been three months, Harry, why won't you pick up the phone?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not getting better, (but I'm still holding on)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jamesniall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesniall/gifts).



> So, okay, I was listening to a song in spanish I love very much while it was raining and stuff and I got really nostalgic for some reason and this is the result, (this can be considered as a gift for andrea, aka jamesniall, because she gave me the most angsty ideas ever)
> 
> i'm sorry

_dnt forget t call me when you get home, love you !_

-

_It's raining today, but I guess you know that already, don't u?_

_I still wonder why you worry so much about where u left your phone yet never pick it up on time, Harry, I swear this is the like the eighth time I've texted you since this morning_

He tries to chuckle, goes for a humorless laugh, because it's actually the tenth but no one needs to know that.

_anyway, I'm goin out for groceries cuz you ate all the damn noddles we had and we dnt have more milk so I was wondering if you wanted or needed something, you know how fast you run out of shampoo so just give me a ring or text me, get over ur lazy ass, yeah? I'll be waiting for your call, love ya x_

He presses 'send' and throws the phone far away from the bed.

-

_Hiya Haz, it's Niall, again haha, we hvnt talked in what? two weeks? I would say I miss u but you're the romantic one in this relationship so I'm just gona wait till u say it first. i hope you've seen the missed calls from yesterday i just, wanted to tell you something, the album's going great ya know, we put on the song we wrote togeter last month_

_am i the only one feeling like it's been years without seein ech other?_

_must be goin crazy, that's what it's happening t me_

_call me back, will you? i love u_

-

_ok so, frsit of all, m not drunk_

_jus got t a pub wht the lads and i could nt stop drinkin cause u weren der t stop me hahahha_

_why werent u there, haz? :(_

_sorry sorry sometimes i just forget yeh? it's hard cuz i keep sendin u these texts n i keep calling u and i actually think you will reply or anwsr or just somehting_

_but u dnt cuz ya're not here, not in the pub or in our house_

_sometimes it hurts t pretend u didn't leave cuz u did and now im all alone and remember when i told ya that bed was too big?? well, it is, u wnaker, i cnt sleep on it alone it makes me cold and lonely_

_ur makin me cry haz, can u com back, pls?_

_i hope u read this txt and have breakfast ready tmrow morning cuz im gona wake up with a mad headache, u kno it_

_love you, hope u can feel how much i do_

_sleep well xx - nialler_

 

He wakes up the next morning with his head, neck and back hurting because he fell asleep on the floor next to _their_ bedroom.

He's been doing it since the night Harry left, he tries his best to avoid the room because is as simple as he just doesn't want to go inside there and see an empty bed that will not longer have two people in it. That will not longer have a tall, lanky and curly haired boy with the most beautiful smile and breath-taking eyes cuddled up next to him.

He doesn't even want to think about that.

His phone is beside him, turned upside down and something about him breaks when he sees there's no new messages or missed calls. It hurts even more when he realises he shouldn't be surprised, he knows Harry won't reply.

There's no one in the kitchen with breakfast ready, trying to be quiet while finishing making tea and putting everything on a tray to wake him up with kisses and a whisper close to his ear, "irish stew is more than ready at the kitchen, let's go before it gets all cold" as he kisses his lips.

There's no one in the flat, just Niall.

He turns on the tv and puts a blanket around his shoulders as he pretends he's not crying, not at all.

-

_i went to your grave today, m sorry i coudlnt stay for more than 10 minutes, i know u hate to see me cry so i just left_

_please be alright, i love you xx_

-

_heeeeey, haz, today we're havin a movie night with the lads at tommo's place_

_see u there x_

-

_the movie already started u better hurry ur ass up if you dont want louis kickin ur arse hahaha_

_come over, im waitin_

_we all are_

He's so engrossed on his phone he doesn't see the sad looks on his best friends eyes as he types yet another text to Harry. They shake their heads and try their best to ignore the way how Niall can't stop bouncing his leg up and down, looking at the clock and then at the door as if Harry would get home any minute.

As if.

-

_you never said u missed me_

_remembr that text? you re the romantic here haz, im not good at this_

_i do, i fucking miss you harry, soo much_

_i tried cooking that recipe your mom made for last christmas but it was a mess, u should see the kitchen right now_

_you were the one who always remembered how much water it's necesary now i have t clean the kitchen, see? its all ur fault_

_you'd be laughing ur ass off at me right now, we both would be_

_can u come back? x_

+

"What do you mean nobody in this room has seen my phone charger?"

"We mean that we haven't seen it, Niall" Louis replies.

"No, no I know one of you knows where it is, Zayn?"

"Sorry, Ni, but the last time I saw it, you had it at the studio, but I know for sure you grabbed it and took it back home, are you sure you checked there?"

Niall sighs helplessly, "of course I did, I'm not that much of an idiot and you all know it's not like the flat is a mess that it's impossible to find something as big as a charger!"

"You know what they say Nialler, when you need to find something is as hard as trying to find a needle in a haystack" Louis says, ruffling his hair.

"I just can't fucking find it"

"This needs to stop" Liam says quietly yet firmly from where he's sitting next to where Niall is, "you've been on that phone long enough, Niall, you spend more time texting someone who's not here anymore more than you spend talking to us" he sounds tired, Niall thinks, as if he has given up on a fight and he doesn't like it.

"You don't unders-"

"No, of course I understand! You can't bring Harry back by texting him to come back, it doesn't work like that, Niall, he's gone!" and Liam really didn't want to snap but he's not mad nor angry, he's hurt, because it hurts for him too, because he lost his bandmate three months back in a terrible accident they're all trying hard to forget, but now it feels like he's losing Niall too, and it hurts.

He's so wrapped up with his thoughts he doesn't notice when Niall rushes out of the recording studio and mumbles something like "I'm going home"

And he tries hard to ignore how Niall's voice breaks when he says _home._

-

_payno got mad at me today but i swear it wasnt me fault_

_he just took my phone and said that if he sees me textin again during a movie night, he would delete ur number off my phone, how unfair is that?_

_is really unfair if u ask me_

_wait_

_is actually even more unfair how u dont reply :((_

_reply, please, doesnt take more than 5 minutes_

-

_when will this stop hurting?_

+

Liam finds Niall crying his eyes out in the bathroom back at his flat and it hurts more than he's willing to admit.

Niall is mumbling things like _don't touch me, just bring him back, Liam please make him come back_ and Liam hushes him with kisses in his forehead and what he hopes are reassuring words till Niall falls asleep in the middle of a _i miss him, Li_

He knows he shouldn't and he feels like he's stepping over a huge boundary but he can't help himself when he grabs Niall's phone and reads all the messages he's sent to Harry since he passed away. He reads them all and he doesn't remember starting crying but he is now, big, painful sobs that he tries to hold back for Niall's sake, even if he's asleep, the last thing he needs right now is Niall waking up.

He reads the last one with a hand over his mouth because it hurts too much. He knows he's hurting, all of them are but they all tend to forget that it's harder on Niall, because they lived together and they were planning a life together, they counted on each other and their future plans weren't plans if the other wasn't in the picture, so he cries, because it feels right and there's nothing else to do, he cries for the band and for Zayn and Louis and he cries for Anne and Gemma and he cries for himself but most of all he cries for Niall, who doesn't deserve any of this yet he's living it, at an age that no one should, because no one should bury three feet under the ground the person you were suppossed to spend you whole life with.

+

When Niall wakes up it's not more than an hour after Liam's break down, and seeing the tear tracks and the tremors still racking his best friend's body, he hands him his phone and says, "send him a text, it helps, gives you a sense of normality that never lasts, but helps anyway" and he gives him a small and sad smile as he clutches Liam's hand and looks away, trying to will the tears away.

Liam gives him his phone back five minutes later and they both know they won't be able to hold it back anymore.

Niall doesn't feel too lonely when he cries with Liam, he doesn't feel the loneliness spreading through his bones and telling him to give up. He feels a small spark of hope, because he's not alone, Harry would never leave without knowing Niall is safe and protected, and he knows that because he has Liam right there by his side, it's bittersweet, but it's comforting in a way Niall hasn't felt in three months.

-

_Hey mate, it's Liam talking. This feels weird nut gonna lie but Nialls right, it feels nice if you dont think toooo mcuh abput the fact that ur not going to reply_

_we miss you harold, in everything and everywhere man why the hell did u leave jsut like that, it was so sudden, so unexpected harry, thats not fin e_

_I wont as for much like nialler doess, I knooow u wont come abck home so why bother asking??? but im gonna ask u for 1 thhhing and 1 thing only_

_watch over him dont let him feel alone he doesntt fderserve all the pain he's feeling_

_I hope you ahve replaced the word 'pain' with payne or you're not the same hazza i once knew haha_

_dont reply ok it woulkd b creepy as hell you'd give me a heart attack_

_we love you and miss you dearly haz, be safe xxxx liam_

-

_liam is such a weirdo isnt he hahahahahha - nialler again xxxxxxxxx (i can give u more kisses than liam, see?)_

-

_will u b ther when i die, harry??_

_dnt worry im not doing somthing bad, just drunk out of me mind ahah yeh again_

_in my defense is friday and your birthday is next tuesday i jsut need to forget_

-

_i went to visit you again today, the sky was so blue for a moment i thought it was you being happy that i finally got the balls to go there again_

_it's just depressing u know im not fond of sad shit_

_not that your grave is shit its actually kinda pretty cuz it has a message ur mom wrote and you always got flowers on it, they dont even fit in the small vase it has, people just leave them all around it but i would like it more if it wasnt real_

_it just feels so wrong_

_rememebr when we were in ghana and we saw all those little kids and we went to the local cementery and it was so heart breakin to see such a small difference between the birth date and the death one_

_it's the same but somehow it hurts more_

_i'll send you some flowers when i have to guts to go alone_

-

_i miss kissing you so badly_

-

_there's no milk in the fridge, haz_

-

_fuck_

-

_we have an awards show today harry !! bet u already knew but whatever, hope i can see you there_

-

_sorry it's been a while, zayn said i passed out for two days because i wasnt eating properly haha_

_sorry i know it's not funny but i always forget to go t tesco to pick up groceries coz i keep assuming you will be home any minute with a bag full of all the things lacking in our kitchen_

_when will i get over this haz?_

_you're the only thing lacking here_

_see, now i have t be the romantic here because you quit your job at being corny_

_you had the weirdest and funniest pick up lines fuck i remember all of them and i laugh all by meself !_

_i found a book you were readin just after the tour ended and it's all sappy and romatic, if u were here i would read it behind ur back and then start sayin corny stuff out of nowhere and you'd be so surprised ahahha it would be so much fun_

_the only thing i do now is text you and drown meself on memories that only make me sadder, theres no fun anymore, not when youre not here_

_feels wrong why the fuck everything feels so wrong??_

_its not healthy, thats what everyone says coz it's been eight months and im still doin this, i've been doing this since the week after your funeral harry why just coudlnt' you get home safe and sound why the fuck people drive and drink that's so fucked up_

_makes me angry everytime i think about it_

_wait, zayn just got here, he's saying i need to eat apparently he bough chicken or something i like_

_bye babe, i love you xx_

 

-

_is it wrong that im forgetting how green were ur eyes exactly?? and i cant bring meself to properly remember the size difference between our hands and the taste of your lips and i keep making two cups of tea and i keep waiting for you to turn off the lights and i still ahvent cleaned your part of the closet because i feel like its the only thing i ahve left of you_

-

"Niall? It's been a year"

"Yeah, I know that"

"Are you going to stop texting him now?" Louis asks, and now they've come to this, they're in the ridiculous point where none of them can say his name because it could trigger a break down, from any of them, it feels like if Niall is not getting better then neither are them.

"You know I can't stop Lou"

"And why is that? Does it make you feel more alive? Does it makes you sleep easier at nights? Beacuse if it's not making a difference I really don't understand" Louis tone is soft and Niall knows he doesn't mean any harm, that he just wants the best for Niall, but it still stings when they mention the fact that Niall is not getting any better at moving on. That he keeps waking up crying, that he doesn't eat properly, that he still can't sleep on their bed without bursting into tears.

He knows, he doesn't need a reminder, despises the pity in their eyes.

"It doesn't, it doesn't make it any less painful but if I stop I would let another part of him go, I can't let that happen"

Louis doesn't know what to reply.

-

_your mom was here at our flat today, she's as beautiful as ever, but she looks tired haz, dont leave her alone yeah? watch over her, she needs you more than i do_

_she gave me the recipe again, haz, remember i told you? she wrote it on paper and now it's glued to the fridge hahaha_

_she said she wanted some of your stuff and she took most of your clothes and your books and your shoes, she said it would be for charity but i still got away with some things like, your journal and your hoodies and some sweatpants and sweaters because it's cold in london this season_

_i also got your phone which is funny, but not really_

_you have 274 missed calls and 419 messages unread_

_guess who are them from??_

_yeh its me_

_its not funny coz im here sitting on the couch while your phone is on the bedside table and im sending and sending messages like actually talking to you and telling you stuff while thinking you're readin them wherever you are but the phone is a few meters away from me and i can hear it vibrating during the nights i sleep there and it sucks because im foolin myself thinkin you're reading but the phone remains untouched as it has been for a year now_

_louis was the one with the idea of letting it charging and not un plug it since like a month after you left, its been there since there haz, have you really been gone for such a long time??_

_it's unbelievable_

_i remember nothing 'bout this year_

_i just know i've been paying the bills and i've played guitar and i've texted you_

_maybe i should listen t the lads and unplug the phone and buy another one for me but i still think if i did that i would save your number again coz i will never be able to forget it_

_it sucks doesnt it_

_that you left, so quick and so unexpected and im the one you left behind trying to figure out what to do with life now that you're not here_

_we were spossed to grow old together and have crinkles in our butts and live in a nice house with kids and a pet we never decided if it shouldve been a puppy or a cat_

_liam said turtles are great friends, rmemeber?_

_i have to let you go, dont i?_

_im pathetic hahahha sending messages to my boyfriend who's so far away without his phone and im pretending he's reading them all while for real i was just sending meself messages talkin t meself_

_im going mad arent i_

_im asking myself questions and i reply them the way you should have, maybe i need to get my life back on track_

_maybe thats what u want, yeah haz?_

_i will i promise, i love you,_

_i fuckign love you_

-

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes"

"No regrets after it's done?"

"Nope"

"I'm proud of you Niall"

"Why?"

"This the first step towards a long way you have in life, even if it seems small, unplugging that phone after a year it's a huge step, we're all proud, we're getting our Nialler back" Zayn says, and Niall understands because he feels the same, he's proud he finally got the pants to stop this.

He promised not only to Harry but to himself that he would move on.

And letting go of that phone is like the symbolism of letting go of something he should have months ago.

Niall had planned it; two nights after the last message he sent to Harry's phone he decided how he wanted it to be done.

"Just call us when it's time, yeah? we'll be here"

Niall nods and he feels a shiver spreading through his body, he has to let go.

+

Niall arrives to the cementery and walk till he finds the grave he hates to see, he takes a deep breath as he dials the number that he knows by heart.

_"Hiiiiiii, this is Harry's phone but I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call -shut up Niall- so if you think it's important, call me back -Niall that tickles! - call me back, yeah, we wil answer! bye!"_

It's hard enough not to burst into tears just by listening the message they recorded more than a year ago now. But he hears the beep signaling he has to talk so he closes his eyes tight and breathes till he feels ready to open his eyes and look down at the grave in front of him.

"Hi, Haz" he breathes out, "I finally got the flowers I promised months ago, I really hope you like them I think they're pretty" he tries to smile, "you may be wondering why this time is a voicemail instead of a text but you also may already know that this is the last time I'll do this Harry.

"I just- It's been a shitty year and I don't think I'll be able to repeat it so I will unplug and turn off your phone today like, right after we finish with this call. I'll probably keep the memory card, because I'm weak and maybe one day in my future years I want to look back at it but not at my depressing texts but at our stupid conversations when you were in the bathroom and I was in the kitchen and when you left me voicemails when you were on your way home, I want that to stay with me forever.

"It sounds ridiculous because it's just a phone but for me it was like the anchor that made me feel closer to you" he clears his throat trying to stop his voice to shake, "you're probably hearing me right now, but not because you got your phone but because you're always here, right? I swear sometimes I can feel you I fucking swear you warm the sheets when it snows because that's the only way I sleep in that bed, but I don't have to tell you that, you know it, because you never really left, you're probably standing behind me making silly faces at me while I stare down at a fucking stone that shouldn't be here in the first place.

"I hope you know that there's a part of you in everything I do, there's a huge part of you still living with me and I'll never let that go but Harry I can't promise you I'll be okay by tomorrow I'll probably cry like a baby for a while because it still hurts to know I can't hug you after a long day.

"I hope wherever you are, you're looking back at me and I hope you like what you see"

He braces himself because he never thought saying goodbye via voicemail to a person who died more than a year ago would be so difficult. But he also knows it's more than that, because he also thought that Harry would be a constant in his life, that he would be there forever and that their futures will be as bright as they imagined it to be, and he knows the emptyness he feels everyday when he wakes up cold and alone will fade away one day, that it won't be easy but it will, eventually.

"I'm sorry I wasted away a year of my life instead of trying to make all of our dreams become achievements and I may be alone for now on and maybe I'll find someone who will start filling this void you teared in my whole life, and maybe I won't, but I want you to know that whatever happens you won't be a thing of the past, Harry, I haven't talked to you in past tense for the last year and maybe I will now but that doesn't mean you're burried in my soul, you're first layer of my everything, you are, you still are my everything and it will take a while to make that change or to make it stop hurting but I'll get there as long as you never really leave me alone.

"I love you Harry, I love you, I'll be yours forever and I hope you're there to hold my hand and rub my back and appreciate my tea even if I can't see you there. I love you"

And with that he hangs up.

And he tries, he really tries to stay upright but he falls on his knees anyway, and he doesn't try to hold back the sobs anymore, doesn't try to hide how much it hurts to be in front of the grave of the person you thought would be yours forever.

It hurts, and it won't stop hurting if he doesn't try to get up and get his life on the road again. 

He grabs his phone again and dials home.

"Guys? yeah, yeah it's done" he takes an unsteady intake of air, "you can unplug the phone now"


End file.
